Monday, 25 February 2013

Search Engine Optimization (how not to do it)

I remember that time, when I was young and foolish, and I thought to myself, "Hey, why don't I start a blog?"
A few days later, I was chatting it up with my pro blogger friend Sujay Sam, and he gave me a wealth of information related to writing, posting, and the works. And then we hit upon the subject of names...
Sujay: So, what are you going to name your blog?
Me: Er...I was thinking "psychotic ranter" or something along those lines...*sheepish grin*

Sujay: What? No!
Me: Why not? It'll be really unique!
Sujay: Er, you're forgetting about a little something called search engine optimization.
*I have a knack for taking these big terms, splitting them into separate words, figuring out the meaning of those words, conjoin those meanings to form a cohesive meaning, and then blurt out the meaning like a complete retard*
Me: Oh! You mean, like er...optimizing the blog for search engines?
Sujay: Yeah, so you need to have a good name so that people who are looking up blogs can find your blog easily.
Me: Oh, I get it. Thanks, I'll think up another name!
Cut to the day I finally sat in that internet center, and was typing out a blog url for my beloved blabberings that would be on the internet for all to see.
My first impulse was to type "psychoticranter", and a bit of me hoped that it would be taken so that I would not be disappointed at passing it up. The name was available, however, and I was discouraged that I had to pass it up now to a less deserving, not so psychotic ranter, all in the name of search engine optimization. Now, the net center I was at had a timer, and I didn't have enough cash to stay some more time and stare in front of the screen just to think up a blog name. With all my experience in alliterations, metaphors, ambigious statements and witty wordplay (all in my English exam papers of course, I don't think the teachers read them anyway), I chose...
A Posted Note.
This is the most blah name I could ever think of. Sure, for the five seconds after I typed it, the name exhibited flair, sophistication, elan, and class. After the blog came into existence, it hit me. How could I put up such an uninspired name?
Well, I decided, "Let's see how SEO-worthy it is!" And I got links, pictures and what not related to these.
Close enough.
So yeah, next time someone wants sticky yellow notes for their fridge and decide to order it off the internet instead of sanely going down to the store, my blog will be a place they see. Oh wait, they'll realize it's just a jobless (psychotic) ranter and carry on with their Windows shopping (See what I did there? Er...better you didn't).

The SEO Mindset:

1. Is always on top of current events
Basically, you'd want to post something informative, new, trendy, witty and deep all at the same time. And then, you actually type it out, and realize you can't do it all at the same time. However, for the sake of search engine optimization, you'd be best off being informative, new and trendy. Why not deep and witty? Because you're more geared at being right on top of the more popular searches performed on Google, not a boring "Dear Diary" person. It's simple, people click on the first link always, at most, the second. Beyond that, they'd just say that they couldn't find it. So yeah, you really need to gear your post/website/link/video/picture/sound in such a way that it appears right on top of every popular search on Google. So it's simple! Hope you like maintaining and regularly updating a Justin Bieber fansite!

2. Has a know-how of Google's inner workings
Now, don't get daunted by what I just said. You don't need to be a computer genius (or worse, a computer engineer). Google is actually like 90% of college lecturers correcting your answer papers. They look for keywords, and don't really care about the logic between them. Same with Google. Use this to your advantage! As long as you are updated with the latest hot search terms, all you need to do is tag your posts with these keywords for guaranteed views on your site. There will be ways you can make it easier on Google to find your posts (for example, "tags" on Blogger) and so, read those boring help tip pop-ups and make your piece of art much easier to find. So yeah, all you have to do is put your latest stock exchange numbers on your site, and tag Lady Gaga. Trust me on this! Oh yeah, tag Justin Bieber also. That way, you can even get comments (though I won't say WHAT comments)!
Yes! I can literally see the page view count racking up!

3. Knows what people want
We all had those dreams. "Mummy, I wanna become an astronaut!" "Dad, I wanna be a rockstar!" "You know, when I grow up, I want to be an engineer. Not those sad obese people in those air-conditioned offices. The train driver!" Yeah, we've all had these dreams, maybe until we were cheated into thinking we aren't cut out for the job and our desire isn't enough (more on that in another post probably). Maybe now you're stumbling through life wondering what exactly you want, what those around you want, and what the world in general wants. Well, not the SEO mindset! It knows exactly what people are earnestly seeking, and seeks to do just that. So yeah, you need to post on relevant issues, but make sure the content isn't relevant at all, so that you will be blasted at in the comments, and this will lead to "high internet traffic and activity" that will only boost up your position in Google searches around the world. Always wanted to post on the wonders of quantum physics but found that only Sheldon Cooper, Ph.D., would read it (and say that you calculated the position of that positron wrongly so that the energy levels become stable and hence, it is impossible to deduce whether a chicken sandwich contains chicken or crow meat)? You know how to make your blog more visible than a rainbow painted elephant, so yeah, just tag Lady Gaga again on your Theories of Neutron Quantization and Manipulation.

4. Believes in the power of repetition
Yeah, Google's algorithms. They think like your college lecturer again. They repeat a certain concept 4-10 times more, and it's probably important.
However, it resorts to checking how often a word gets repeated in a page, and once it does that, it considers it knows EVERYTHING about that page. That's the power of repetition. Say it again, say it again, say it again! Did I tell you to say it again? Okay, I said it again. "Say it again?" Oh sure, I'll say it again. Fine, I'll shut up.
But seriously, the eagle called Google does swoop down upon those who have the prudence to repeat themselves, and not the creative ones who use different words and when they don't appear in search pages, they get irritated, vexed, angered, flustered, bothered, unhappy, exasperated, frustrated, maddened, disgusted and what not. Yeah, I'll never make it to the Digg front page even if Kevin Rose recommends me.
"And when I find this guy who wanted his blog on my front page, I will squeeze his head like this."

5. Does not have a life
Yeah, there's a cost. It's the same problem with anything on the computer, be it Facebook or YouTube or any site which lets people interact with other people for that matter. Most n00bs in real life find that netizens don't really care about the pimples on your face or that you spit when you talk. And so, all "physical blemishes" aside, they get a little bit popular and then decide they want more. And then Search Engine Optimization falls on their ears, and they decide to use it to the fullest. Now, you know those OCD affected people who HAVE to have the latest Apple iPhone, the cleanest room, the plate which doesn't have the potato touching the rice (or the ketchup touching the fries, if you fancy). Yeah, these n00bs get SEO OCD and actually make their content unreadable by having keyword after keyword after keyword. And no one likes these spammers who abuse the internet's inability to detect terribly written posts. But no! The site counters show a million hits a day! They just HAVE to be popular! And yeah, while the rest of the world breathes clean air, goes out to eat, hangs around at malls and have no loss of sanity, these dregs of the internet teacup just look for more and more ways to "reach out to others", or in layman terms, they SPAM. And you only resort to spam when you are having a little vicious fun, or when you've lost it, and now think you're a Nigerian prince or something.
Man, I can't believe you'd fall for that scam!

Granny?! Not you too!

Recently, a friend of mine posted a video on YouTube, and I asked him how do I find it. He said I wouldn't. Why? Because, when YouTube asked him for the tags he wanted to put, he tagged his video with completely unrelated terms (tagging Chuck Norris and Charlie the Unicorn in the same video?!).
Yeah, now I understand why he did that. Bask in the awesomeness!
Long story short, I searched for it and didn't find it. Had to type his name out and then found his YouTube channel where the video was. Search Engine Optimization plays a big role these days in the world wide web, even though it's nothing but a popularity contest. And, not everything I post is something popular or "trending" at all (look, I bashed Valentine's Day, praised the benefits of video games, did the same for laziness and what not. I'm so happening, aren't I?). But it's okay. I post because it's fun. And so that I get new followers also (haha, just kidding. But still, it was nice to see I have a new follower, The Purple Assassin!).
Though THIS is what I think when I read "Purple Assassin"...

So anyways, hope this post was informative and pointless at the same time, and that you become more tech-savvy with my help. Hope you mention me when you become famous, so that I too may become a trending topic someday (even if you only see my blog for the pictures).
Anyway, video playlist!
#1 This totally cracks me up! Not mocking christian music, but just saying, nothing wrong in being a little more creative!

#2 RHCP! Best Music Video Ever!

And anyway, SPOILER ALERT: My next post has to do with a dinosaur as well. See ya, peeps!


  1. Now I know why Google detests me...I think I should try the Nigerian prince angle,you never know!;)
    The worship song video cracked me up too...and cured my writer's block in the process!
    A little.
    And am I looking forward to the next post or what!:)

    1. These days, the Nigerian prince angle gets you straight into the spam folder and deleted within 7 days without the receiver knowing :( :P and yeah, next post coming asap :D in a week :P

  2. And I think spamming the spammers is a bad idea.
    nice blog.

  3. And I think spamming the spammers is a bad idea.
    nice blog.

  4. And I think spamming the spammers is a bad idea.
    nice blog.

  5. And I think spamming the spammers is a bad idea.
    nice blog.

    1. Thanks man :) keep spamming the comments :P