Monday 25 February 2013

Search Engine Optimization (how not to do it)

I remember that time, when I was young and foolish, and I thought to myself, "Hey, why don't I start a blog?"
A few days later, I was chatting it up with my pro blogger friend Sujay Sam, and he gave me a wealth of information related to writing, posting, and the works. And then we hit upon the subject of names...
Sujay: So, what are you going to name your blog?
Me: Er...I was thinking "psychotic ranter" or something along those lines...*sheepish grin*

Sujay: What? No!
Me: Why not? It'll be really unique!
Sujay: Er, you're forgetting about a little something called search engine optimization.
*I have a knack for taking these big terms, splitting them into separate words, figuring out the meaning of those words, conjoin those meanings to form a cohesive meaning, and then blurt out the meaning like a complete retard*
Me: Oh! You mean, like er...optimizing the blog for search engines?
Sujay: Yeah, so you need to have a good name so that people who are looking up blogs can find your blog easily.
Me: Oh, I get it. Thanks, I'll think up another name!
Cut to the day I finally sat in that internet center, and was typing out a blog url for my beloved blabberings that would be on the internet for all to see.
My first impulse was to type "psychoticranter", and a bit of me hoped that it would be taken so that I would not be disappointed at passing it up. The name was available, however, and I was discouraged that I had to pass it up now to a less deserving, not so psychotic ranter, all in the name of search engine optimization. Now, the net center I was at had a timer, and I didn't have enough cash to stay some more time and stare in front of the screen just to think up a blog name. With all my experience in alliterations, metaphors, ambigious statements and witty wordplay (all in my English exam papers of course, I don't think the teachers read them anyway), I chose...
A Posted Note.
This is the most blah name I could ever think of. Sure, for the five seconds after I typed it, the name exhibited flair, sophistication, elan, and class. After the blog came into existence, it hit me. How could I put up such an uninspired name?
Well, I decided, "Let's see how SEO-worthy it is!" And I got links, pictures and what not related to these.
Close enough.
So yeah, next time someone wants sticky yellow notes for their fridge and decide to order it off the internet instead of sanely going down to the store, my blog will be a place they see. Oh wait, they'll realize it's just a jobless (psychotic) ranter and carry on with their Windows shopping (See what I did there? Er...better you didn't).

The SEO Mindset:

1. Is always on top of current events
Basically, you'd want to post something informative, new, trendy, witty and deep all at the same time. And then, you actually type it out, and realize you can't do it all at the same time. However, for the sake of search engine optimization, you'd be best off being informative, new and trendy. Why not deep and witty? Because you're more geared at being right on top of the more popular searches performed on Google, not a boring "Dear Diary" person. It's simple, people click on the first link always, at most, the second. Beyond that, they'd just say that they couldn't find it. So yeah, you really need to gear your post/website/link/video/picture/sound in such a way that it appears right on top of every popular search on Google. So it's simple! Hope you like maintaining and regularly updating a Justin Bieber fansite!

2. Has a know-how of Google's inner workings
Now, don't get daunted by what I just said. You don't need to be a computer genius (or worse, a computer engineer). Google is actually like 90% of college lecturers correcting your answer papers. They look for keywords, and don't really care about the logic between them. Same with Google. Use this to your advantage! As long as you are updated with the latest hot search terms, all you need to do is tag your posts with these keywords for guaranteed views on your site. There will be ways you can make it easier on Google to find your posts (for example, "tags" on Blogger) and so, read those boring help tip pop-ups and make your piece of art much easier to find. So yeah, all you have to do is put your latest stock exchange numbers on your site, and tag Lady Gaga. Trust me on this! Oh yeah, tag Justin Bieber also. That way, you can even get comments (though I won't say WHAT comments)!
Yes! I can literally see the page view count racking up!

3. Knows what people want
We all had those dreams. "Mummy, I wanna become an astronaut!" "Dad, I wanna be a rockstar!" "You know, when I grow up, I want to be an engineer. Not those sad obese people in those air-conditioned offices. The train driver!" Yeah, we've all had these dreams, maybe until we were cheated into thinking we aren't cut out for the job and our desire isn't enough (more on that in another post probably). Maybe now you're stumbling through life wondering what exactly you want, what those around you want, and what the world in general wants. Well, not the SEO mindset! It knows exactly what people are earnestly seeking, and seeks to do just that. So yeah, you need to post on relevant issues, but make sure the content isn't relevant at all, so that you will be blasted at in the comments, and this will lead to "high internet traffic and activity" that will only boost up your position in Google searches around the world. Always wanted to post on the wonders of quantum physics but found that only Sheldon Cooper, Ph.D., would read it (and say that you calculated the position of that positron wrongly so that the energy levels become stable and hence, it is impossible to deduce whether a chicken sandwich contains chicken or crow meat)? You know how to make your blog more visible than a rainbow painted elephant, so yeah, just tag Lady Gaga again on your Theories of Neutron Quantization and Manipulation.

4. Believes in the power of repetition
Yeah, Google's algorithms. They think like your college lecturer again. They repeat a certain concept 4-10 times more, and it's probably important.
However, it resorts to checking how often a word gets repeated in a page, and once it does that, it considers it knows EVERYTHING about that page. That's the power of repetition. Say it again, say it again, say it again! Did I tell you to say it again? Okay, I said it again. "Say it again?" Oh sure, I'll say it again. Fine, I'll shut up.
But seriously, the eagle called Google does swoop down upon those who have the prudence to repeat themselves, and not the creative ones who use different words and when they don't appear in search pages, they get irritated, vexed, angered, flustered, bothered, unhappy, exasperated, frustrated, maddened, disgusted and what not. Yeah, I'll never make it to the Digg front page even if Kevin Rose recommends me.
"And when I find this guy who wanted his blog on my front page, I will squeeze his head like this."

5. Does not have a life
Yeah, there's a cost. It's the same problem with anything on the computer, be it Facebook or YouTube or any site which lets people interact with other people for that matter. Most n00bs in real life find that netizens don't really care about the pimples on your face or that you spit when you talk. And so, all "physical blemishes" aside, they get a little bit popular and then decide they want more. And then Search Engine Optimization falls on their ears, and they decide to use it to the fullest. Now, you know those OCD affected people who HAVE to have the latest Apple iPhone, the cleanest room, the plate which doesn't have the potato touching the rice (or the ketchup touching the fries, if you fancy). Yeah, these n00bs get SEO OCD and actually make their content unreadable by having keyword after keyword after keyword. And no one likes these spammers who abuse the internet's inability to detect terribly written posts. But no! The site counters show a million hits a day! They just HAVE to be popular! And yeah, while the rest of the world breathes clean air, goes out to eat, hangs around at malls and have no loss of sanity, these dregs of the internet teacup just look for more and more ways to "reach out to others", or in layman terms, they SPAM. And you only resort to spam when you are having a little vicious fun, or when you've lost it, and now think you're a Nigerian prince or something.
Man, I can't believe you'd fall for that scam!

Granny?! Not you too!

Recently, a friend of mine posted a video on YouTube, and I asked him how do I find it. He said I wouldn't. Why? Because, when YouTube asked him for the tags he wanted to put, he tagged his video with completely unrelated terms (tagging Chuck Norris and Charlie the Unicorn in the same video?!).
Yeah, now I understand why he did that. Bask in the awesomeness!
Long story short, I searched for it and didn't find it. Had to type his name out and then found his YouTube channel where the video was. Search Engine Optimization plays a big role these days in the world wide web, even though it's nothing but a popularity contest. And, not everything I post is something popular or "trending" at all (look, I bashed Valentine's Day, praised the benefits of video games, did the same for laziness and what not. I'm so happening, aren't I?). But it's okay. I post because it's fun. And so that I get new followers also (haha, just kidding. But still, it was nice to see I have a new follower, The Purple Assassin!).
Though THIS is what I think when I read "Purple Assassin"...

So anyways, hope this post was informative and pointless at the same time, and that you become more tech-savvy with my help. Hope you mention me when you become famous, so that I too may become a trending topic someday (even if you only see my blog for the pictures).
Anyway, video playlist!
#1 This totally cracks me up! Not mocking christian music, but just saying, nothing wrong in being a little more creative!

#2 RHCP! Best Music Video Ever!

And anyway, SPOILER ALERT: My next post has to do with a dinosaur as well. See ya, peeps!

Friday 15 February 2013

Lurve

Hey...
I'm just going to get straight into the topic, no blah intro or anything: What is your opinion on love?
Now, I know what you must be thinking: He's a day late.
And yes, it's because of my anti-valentine's day stand. I even wore a black shirt to college on that horrendous day. Anyways, my point here is, love isn't always what you think it is. We get a waaay too rosy picture of what "lurve" is, and here in Chennai, India, it's "louv-u" that makes the worldu go roundu. And yeah, for some reason, couples are oblivious to the people gawking wide-eyed and disgustedly at them, while the streets seem to overflow with roses that spring up to cover their feet as they look into each other's eyes, a pool of love and passion as bright pink as the fancy skies that envelope them...

Ahhh...the luuurrrrrvvvve...

Okay, you get it. Lovers are blind, the people seeing them have auto-focus lenses hidden in their retinas, and they flinch even more every time they lip read them say "cutie pie", "honey bunny", "my louv-u", and other cringe-worthy molly-coddling words.
Well, what is love then? Is it this?

Wine, woman and what not.

Well, I think love is actually this:

Nothing says love like...sleep deprivation?!

Remember that time when you were way too little to even walk? When you couldn't even call your mom, and you had to completely rely on her? Yeah, this was probably the face your mom always had in those first years of your life, perpetually. Now, what made her stay up late at night, wake up at unearthly hours, feed you nutritious stuff that you promptly threw up and cry with your loudest and shrillest voice even when she's holding you?
A simple "No, I'm not hungry" would suffice, kid!

Well, it's the same "lurve" that male pop vocalists would be crooning about (or female vocalists would be belting out for 30 seconds at a stretch with a million 'aahs' and 'oohs' in between. By the way, if you mix the 'aahs' and 'oohs' together, you get something like a wolf's cry). And sorry for being harsh, but these were the very same parents you hated, considered awkward, didn't care a damn for, did not want to be associated with, and are now ignoring by reading some useless guy's blog online. If you're a parent and reading this however, hello uncle and aunty! Please leave a comment!
We look around a lot for love, but fail to realize it lives so very close to us, and clamors for our attention so very much, whereas we ignore it all in the name of "playing it cool", "living independently", "self-sufficiency" and what not, hiding the fact that we are exhibiting pure apathy for those who are ready to pretend the spoon was an airplane, just to get you to open your mouth and eat.
And we are only shown in an even poorer light when we are faced with the love we have all received, which was not pretty pink roses, but scarlet drops of blood.

That love could come only from Jesus from above. He lived a righteous life, not to prove himself greater, not for the fame, or for respect or any other reasons for which we would want to show ourselves as righteous. But he was perfect, just to be the pure and holy sacrifice for our wrongdoings. When we were offensive in God's sight, Jesus came, not to condemn us, not to say God is done or fed up with us, but to say, "I still want to love you." And love he did.

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. - Jesus

He said that, and meant every word of it. He died for us, the ones who spat on his face by our lying, cheating, stealing, duplicity - you name it, we've done it, and we don't deserve anything at all, the way we deny him. Yet, with every drop of blood, dying like a common criminal, in their place, he willfully did such a thing, just to say HE LOVES US. He called us friends, even in the midst of our sinfulness.
All said and done, "lurve" doesn't come from a rosy illusion painted by delusion, but a conviction by his affliction. He rose again, so that we may have hope in him, believe that he loved us enough to die for us so that we will appear righteous in God's eyes, not by our actions, but by his death. He was love on display, in its purest form.
I can't explain why, but just remembering that he died such a painful death just for me to have a clear conscience in God's sight, sends shivers down my spine. If I can stand and praise God, it is because he has found favor in me, because Jesus has ransomed something so precious for me: his own life. All you need to do is believe that he saved you by dying in your place, and confess that you too have spat in his face, and his only reply will be that you are forgiven, and you too can live with a clear conscience.

With a love like this, I have no other need for love, because I'm loved to bits. Speaking of love, I love my (3 months new) guitar to bits too. Give it a few more months, and it may actually be in bits for my level of expert maintenance.
But hopefully, I don't ruin such a fine, fine thing of joy...

I believe that we have way too many misconceptions of love, and we are literally confused. If you want to understand what God's opinion is, the apostle Paul nails the definition of love.
Okay peoples, my YouTube finds of the week (click on what interests you):
#1 Michael Jackson getting angry at Slash!
#2 Guthrie Govan and Christophe Godin: Jamming!
#3 "Everlasting God", covered by Keba Jeremiah, Divyan Ahimaz and David Joseph, some of the best musicians in town!
#4 "Me, You, Future", an up-and-coming episodic film by my college mate Aaquib Jaleel! Will share when the episodes start rolling. Sneak peak for now!

Okay then, going to share some YouTube vids from now on as a part of every post, so that you come at least for the videos. I know most people would. So anyway, till next time!

Wednesday 13 February 2013

Where one semester ends, a blog post begins

First of all, inevident as it may be, I still cared about my blog. Second of all, Spell Check is highlighting “inevident” and suggesting “in evident” instead. Suggesting that I have lost touch with spelling in general. Sad, ain’t it?
And though I very badly want to change “ain’t it” to “is it not”, I won’t do it, mainly because, the blog has kick-started back again, and I am mighty pleased by it, even with my spelling. Just went through one semester of college by the way, and only now do I feel that…
1. College isn’t what most people think it is:
Oh yes. For those who visualised lack of dress codes, bunking classes, teachers who’d give attendance despite you bunking class, awesome cafeterias and amazing and awesome teachers who would kindle the fire of learning and intuition, I apologise (except for maybe the Jeppiaar colleges, the canteens are to die for, it seems). And if you actually have a college that does all this, then thank God and move on. It won’t always cater to your interests, but to its own, which are securing a great name by students passing the exams with top marks. Which doesn’t always mean that people are taking an actual interest in the subject. So be wary, and if you are interested in your field, be careful not to get disillusioned by the homework, assignments, projects, records, exams and all, so that you still want to learn everything you can about what you love. After all, college is what YOU make it to be.
2. College isn’t what most people think it is:
The mind numbing, brain crunching, difficult and unexplainable portions, deadline after deadline of assignments, teachers who hate your guts, semester exams with papers meant to fail college students and what not. Guess what? It isn’t that big a deal. Yes, you have to submit your stuff, study and work, but yeah, you technically paid to undergo this, didn’t you? And once you do what is required, it is so much less straining on you. Studying for the semesters wasn’t so much the horrifying deal that the boards required. Just remember, God is with you and he got you in this, so he can get you through this. And yeah, the education system isn’t great, but then again, it all depends on how you can make the most of it. Figure it out, and you won’t carry self-inflicted burdens such as “What am I doing by studying here”, “Where am I going with this”, “What’s the use of writing this record”, “How can that teacher fail me” and what not.
Could it be so bad?!

Okay, ramble over. I promised what not, and I failed miserably. I even wrote some posts of my “second coming”, and guess what? They’re now in a little folder called “Mint Condition Junk”, so if you want them, one article costs 100 bucks. With the friends and family discount, it’s 80…
I’ve lost touch, bear with me! I’ve decided to post seriously from now on, and at 2 posts a fortnight, maybe. But now, I definitely feel much more "equipped" to post. There's much we need to know, and we are mostly guilty of forgetting that what we need! But what if we had a reminder, something like a posted note to tell us "This is the way, walk in it"?
Time we all reminded ourselves. Of rights, and of responsibilities.
*Looks over at article and feels scandalised by the shortness*